Hilarious Health Advice

It's no secret that I want to get in shape and be able to wear a bikini this summer without embarassing myself. It's also no secret that getting in shape is freakin' hard. I've been trying to arm myself with enough knowlegde and enough tools to be successful at this. In my quest I ran across a couple of book reviews about Skinny B***h, a book about how to be healthier and get in shape specifically for women.

This book is definitely not for everyone- if you are sensitive to swearing and don't respond well to sarcasm and dry humor, DO NOT READ IT. That is my warning, but I, however, am finding it to be the perfect motivation. Not only do the authors Rory Freedman and Kim Barnouin tell it like it is, but they have really done their homework in the food industry and I'm learning about some SERIOUS healthy eating faux pas that have been passed along to me as "diet truths", when in fact they're probably hindering my progress. (Did you know that Aspartame was rejected by the FDA 3 times before it was allowed to be added to our foods? Even then, it was only "approved" because the statute of limitations on the research behind the original testing ran out. And did you know that refined white sugar is usually filtered by charred animal bones? YUCK)

Also, this book is so funny I laugh out loud sometimes while reading, which is great because I usually give up on non-fiction advice type books pretty quickly if they don't entertain me right away. If you need clarity on healthy eating/exercising/living I suggest you check this book out.

Lovely Things I Cannot Live Without

... right now, that is.

1. Havarti Cheese.

2. My bright blue Snuggie. Oh yes, I have one. Oh yes... it's SOOOO comfy, and I must admit I feel a little like Mickey Mouse in "Fantasia" with it on. Don't judge me.

3. My Nike Free Trainer 7.0 sneakers. They are like putting your foot in heaven. I want more pairs in different colors because I don't think I'll ever want to wear another pair of shoes ever again. Seriously.

4. Strawberry Rose tea. Celestial Seasonings makes it. It tastes nothing like rose and only a little bit like strawberry, but it's SO good. And I can only find it at Albertson's for some reason.

5. Running shorts with built in spandex shorts... because I cannot stand it when I'm running and my running shorts are falling or bunching and my spandex layer is staying put. I want them both to stay put. A few companies make this lovely combo, but I'm partial to one (can you guess which one?)

6. "My Custom Van"- by Michael Ian Black. Yes, the same MIB that is part of Stella. The same MIB that frequently appears on VH1's "I Love the ..." series. It's a hilarious compilation of essays that he's written about various topics, most of which are laugh out loud funny. You can find it in the "Essays" section at your local bookstores... even though it should be in humor; but then again, so should David Sedaris.

7. Oranges. There's nothing better than a fresh sweet orange.

8. Japanese Juniper Bonsai. This may be strange, but I'm totally in love with my little Bonsai. I get so excited about watering and misting it- almost like having a pet. I may name it. I think it may be more masculine so I'll start with guy names and see if any of them stick. Again, don't judge me. Some of you have children. I have a cat and a tree.

9. Horseradish. I've put it on every sandwich I've eaten in the past week and it's fabulous. It gives just the right amount of kick, without being numb-your-mouth, make-you-sweat hot. I just put a little dab of it on the mayo side of the sandwich and spread it pretty thinly.

10. High Ball Energy drinks. They aren't full of crap and sugar and aren't too sweet to drink. Actually, they aren't that sweet at all. They are sugar free, only 10 calories, and are chock full of vitamins and minerals so you don't have that "crash" in a few hours from it. Plus, they come in a cute little glass bottle that's SO easy to recycle. They carry them at random stores... and not all stores have it at all locations. Sometimes they are with the "Natural" foods, sometimes with the juices and sodas. But I urge you to try one if you are so inclined.

If You Won't, I Will

A lot of my friends don't update their blogs on a very regular basis, and I find myself getting a little upset that they don't mostly because that is my form of entertainment. When I have a free minute (like right now at work), I like to peruse the blogosphere and see all of the fun and interesting things that you wonderful people are up to.

So since you happy folks are out there having a good old time and neglecting your lonely little blogs, I will take it upon myself to update mine more. I feel like I can't be the only one like this and so if I update mine it will add to entertainment value of someones day (even if I'm not so entertaining, interesting, etc).

On that same note, but skewed, I don't have much to write about today. I didn't pack my lunch today because I woke up late so I'll probably run over to Zupan's or Whole Foods and get something at some point for lunch... they both have excellent sandwhiches. And I've got to complete my crazy daily "To Do" list at work today. Hopefully something funny will happen, or at least mildly humorous.

Which reminds me- you know who's hilarious? Nick Swardson. If you're bored, check him out here.

What Is It?

... allergies or a cold/virus? I have no idea. Last week I knew for sure that it was allgergies because I had a runny nose, itchy eyes, itchy skin and a rash and bloody noses. This week I'm not so sure. I feel like someone hit me with a bag of bricks repeatedly, my throat hurts, my head hurts, nothing tastes right and I still have all of my normal allergy symptoms. Also, no cold or allergy medicine I've tried this week has helped. UGH.

But I did start using a nasal irrigator (sounds GROSS and it only kind of is) with salt and goldenseal in the washing solution which was really starting to improve my breathing and runny nose... until I woke up today with a completely stuffed up head.-(thanks Courtney, for the tip about the Goldenseal!) I'm hoping it all goes away soon.

WHHHYYY? I feel like if I'm not sick, I've got crummy allergies to deal with.

Just wanted to whine today. Thanks for letting me get it out of my system.

NEW.FAVORITE.BAND.

Ok, I'm a little bit hesitant to share this with everyone, but I decided that I had to because it's just too good to keep private. I think I should explain that first. I LOVE music. I love it so much that I feel a little stingy when it comes to sharing it with new people because then it morphs from being "my" music to "our" music. I know it's a little snobby, but stay with me. It makes sense to me.

I guess I'm just one of those people that once I make something my own, that's exactly what it is, MINE. I'm going to blame this on a number of things -like always having to share a room/toys/etc with my sister growing up (not that I was a selfish child, at all) and using the fact that I think music has really shaped who I am as an adult- but really it's mostly because I feel such an emotional connection to certain things that I feel like they are a part of who I am and what make me unique. Anyhow, so I'm always very slow to share music that I really love with the general public. I reserve sharing music with those who I care for and think that they will appreciate what I am sharing with them as much as I appreciate it.

Enough stalling. I guess I now have to tell you what I've become so crazy in love with (and no, it's NOT Beyonce, despite the previous phrase).

.METRIC.

I heard one song and ran out and bought both albums because I figured if I liked the one song that much, I'd probably like the rest of the songs... and I was right. So get it from iTunes (you big lazy bum), or go out and buy the actual cd and listen to Metric. You'll love it. Also, check out www.ilovemetric.com while you wait.

P.S. Metric is coming to Portland in June. Wanna go to the show with me? Let me know!

Why I LOVE Portland

Today has reinforced to me why I love Portland so much. Here is my list from today:

1. It is beautiful and green (especially right now when all of the trees and flowers are starting to bloom).

2. Portlanders do nice things- I saw a guy (who wasn't homeless or trying to just collect cans for money) walking down the sidewalk and picking up trash. A lady stopped and tried to give him money thinking he was homeless, but he said, "No, ma'am. I'm just trying to do my part". An aside- he definitely didn't look homeless either, so I'm not sure why that lady did that, but oh well.

3. Portlanders are unique- many examples of this today, but driving down Burnside today I saw the following unique styles: a.) Lady with bright lime green rain boots on, yellow thigh high socks with bees on them, cut-off jean shorts, a cable-knit cardigan and ear warmers. (she wasn't homeless either) b.) A man with silk pajamas and slippers walking to Starbucks c.) A guy wearing all bright neon spandex ALL OVER. BRIGHT.

4. The Zupans guys are nice- went in to buy a sandwich for lunch and the deli guys were super nice (as always) and never more happy to make a sandwich for someone.

5. When the lights turn red, people stop. Believe me, in other states this is not the case. It's nice to not have to worry more about the others driving around me as much.

6. Things are open LATE here. I'm a night owl. If I could, I would stay up until 2 or 3 and not have to go to work until 12 or 1pm. But mostly I stay up and find things to do anyway.

There are many more but I also wanted to share a couple of funny and cute stories from today. First as I was driving to Zupans to get my sandwich a guy pulled up next to me to turn right at the stop light. We were patiently waiting for the light to change and I looked over at him inadvertently because he was in my line of sight for pedestrians. I saw no pedestrians, but I did see him picking his nose, and pretty hard core. I understand that sometimes you have an itchy nose and need to fix that problem, but this guys was really going at it. He then looked straight at me and caught me watching him. What did he do next? Wave. That's right... he waved his boogery hand at me. And smiled. I smile back and the light turned green so I took off and started laughing pretty hard.

Second, I stopped at Ben & Jerry's after the sandwich to get a delicious Strawberry Kiwi fruit smoothie. These high school kids walked in just in front of me. The boy was a little twitchy and nervous, so I was assuming that they must be on a date or something. The girl was wearing a pretty cute linen dress and some awesome goddess-y sandals, totally a date outfit. Anyway, so they went to order and the girl ordered a single scoop of ice cream in a cup and they guy ordered something (who knows, I was trying to decide on a smoothie flavor). Anyhow, so the girl got her order and the lady behind the counter handed her a spoon and napkin. The girl started picking at her ice cream while waiting for the boy to get his. She took the spoon out of the napkin and then noticed that there was something written on the napkin- and it wasn't a Ben & Jerry's logo. The napkin said "Will You Go to Prom with Me?".
She said,"Did you write that?" to the boy.

The boy blushed, "Yes".

"Of Course I'll go to Prom with you! That was totally sweet!"

A moment of silence as the boy rejoiced silently and the girl grabbed the napkin and put it in her purse.

"How did you get that set up? She handed me the napkin?" the girl asked the boy. "That was smooth."

"Oh, he was totally smooth," said the Ben & Jerry's lady. Clearly the boy had come in earlier and set this up.

FREAKING ADORABLE. How cute was that?

Anyway, I like this place.

UTAH... without pictures

So I went to Utah last week and got back last night. Sure, I brought my camera, but did I take any pictures? No. Why? Because I was too busy to remember. Then on my drive home yesterday I looked over and saw my sad little camera still in the case on the passenger seat. Not that there weren't wonderful beautiful things to take pictures of, especially on Sunday when the weather was "absolutely premium"... but you know how it goes. Oh well.

I drove, by myself, to Utah on Wednesday which took WAY too long because it decided to snow in the Blue Mountains so the trucks and such had to stop and chain up and we had to climb the passes going a "safe" speed. And by safe I mean UNBEARABLY SLOW. So instead of the 11 or so hours it should have taken it took more like 14. Awesome. But once I got part way into Idaho it was clear and easy the rest of the way. Except when I almost peed my pants.

Did anyone know that there are about a million off ramps between Burley, Idaho and Tremonton, Utah... but NOT ONE of them has any services (ie: Gas Stations, Restaurants, BATHROOMS). In order to keep myself motivated to drive I kept a full supply of cold water and Vitamin Energy water with me... bad idea. So while I was out in the middle of nowhere I found that I really needed to go... badly. I had to wiggle in my seat until I FINALLY found a rest stop with a ladies room a couple miles outside of Tremonton. I sprinted to the bathroom and barely made it in. There was a nice family that had stopped to stretch their legs and I had flown into the parking lot and seriously flung myself as fast as I could out of my car and didn't even bother to take anything with me or lock my car up. They just stared at me, mouths open as they stood around their car. I didn't care. I probably looked a right mess from driving all day as well.

Anyway, so we ate at The Pie in Salt Lake Wednesday night; I had the Greek pizza and it was a dream. Thursday I went to the Salt Lake Temple and then around town shopping (like I need to do more shopping). Friday I went shopping some more and drove up to Park City with Katrina, who happens to be one of the funniest people ever. Side Note: Katrina should move to Portland, it just makes sense. After our hilarious trek up the canyon, we came back down and I watched Slumdog Millionaire at the boys' house. Saturday we went to the afternoon session of conference which was amazing, but parking was a nightmare and it rained/sleeted/snowed on us. More shopping ensued and I went out to dinner with Dani and had some delicious onion rings at Goodwood. We then came home and watched a fabulous movie of which I will not name for Dani's sake (because she might die if someone we know read this and made fun of her for it). All I'll say is that it was a new movie that I happened to see twice in theaters and have just happened to read the series 3 times.

Sunday was a regular Sunday. We watched conference from home and napped all day until evening when I napped and watched Food Network until bedtime. Monday morning I got up and drove home. The weather was fabulous and it was an enjoyable but LONG drive. I did NOT almost pee my pants on the way home, thankfully.

I do feel bad for not having taken one single picture of anything in Utah or during my drives. Oh well, that just gives me a reason to go back!