and I'm not sure how to get out.
I've got the entire week of work off and I'm hiding out in my air conditioned house because I can't even enjoy Mother Nature. Apparently she wants us to know what hell feels like this week. 107? Are you kidding me?
So I've been cooped up in my nice cool house just dealing with myself. Since I got back from LA (for my friend Dani's wedding) I just am useless.
How do people move on? I feel like the entire universe has split apart and I'm stuck on the uninhabited side watching everyone else.
I know eventually I will be fine (or even happy and complete again) but waiting for that to come is the hardest part.
Wednesday, July 29, 2009
Monday, July 20, 2009
Can I Go Home Yet?
I'm sitting in my lovely office that smells like blueberries (because I brought them as a snack today and have yet to even eat one) and I'm clock-watching like the world's gonna end if I don't get out of here soon.
I also have this crazy adrenaline rush for no reason- which is something that my body does when it's trying to deal with stress... so up and down the adrenaline rollercoaster I go (and have been going for the past couple of days). This is not making sitting here any easier.
I'm thinking that I've already dealt with everything so why do I still feel like this? Because apparently I can intellectualize until the cows come home but it doesn't fool my body. Nothing fools my body. It knows the pain, the angst, the rage, the sadness, the embarassment that I tried to think away and it makes me live them and feel them all, sometimes one by one and sometimes simultaneously.
I'm lucky when I forget what I'm feeling for a little while, but mostly I'm just trying to hold myself upright until I can go home and watch funny movies to drown my thoughts out and hope that my friends don't feel caught in the middle (but also hoping that they all choose me if they have to choose).
Ten more minutes until I can go, and I'm not sure I can take it.
But I will. And I'll be back tomorrow to do the same thing.
Hopefully there will be far less roller-coaster and more understanding.
I also have this crazy adrenaline rush for no reason- which is something that my body does when it's trying to deal with stress... so up and down the adrenaline rollercoaster I go (and have been going for the past couple of days). This is not making sitting here any easier.
I'm thinking that I've already dealt with everything so why do I still feel like this? Because apparently I can intellectualize until the cows come home but it doesn't fool my body. Nothing fools my body. It knows the pain, the angst, the rage, the sadness, the embarassment that I tried to think away and it makes me live them and feel them all, sometimes one by one and sometimes simultaneously.
I'm lucky when I forget what I'm feeling for a little while, but mostly I'm just trying to hold myself upright until I can go home and watch funny movies to drown my thoughts out and hope that my friends don't feel caught in the middle (but also hoping that they all choose me if they have to choose).
Ten more minutes until I can go, and I'm not sure I can take it.
But I will. And I'll be back tomorrow to do the same thing.
Hopefully there will be far less roller-coaster and more understanding.
Sunday, July 19, 2009
Break-Up Rule #1
Don't leave the house without looking fabulous.
Because if, on the off chance, you see your ex or ex's friends, you want the image he/they see to be of radiance and perfection and not sweatpants and sleep-hair.
Which is why for the past couple of days I haven't left the house without spending a minimum of an hour getting ready.
Take that.
Because if, on the off chance, you see your ex or ex's friends, you want the image he/they see to be of radiance and perfection and not sweatpants and sleep-hair.
Which is why for the past couple of days I haven't left the house without spending a minimum of an hour getting ready.
Take that.
Friday, July 17, 2009
I'm Fine...
really.
I mean, things didn't work out the way I'd hoped, but you can't make life do what you want it to. Oh well.
You also can't make people tell the truth. I know... they should tell it anyway, even when it's hard. Better to tell the truth early and heal small wounds than wait until unleashing them is like clawing out stitches with a rusty fork after heart surgery. Is honesty really too much to ask for?
Well, on to possibly bigger and better things, right? (Please say yes here, for my sanity).
Thanks.
I mean, things didn't work out the way I'd hoped, but you can't make life do what you want it to. Oh well.
You also can't make people tell the truth. I know... they should tell it anyway, even when it's hard. Better to tell the truth early and heal small wounds than wait until unleashing them is like clawing out stitches with a rusty fork after heart surgery. Is honesty really too much to ask for?
Well, on to possibly bigger and better things, right? (Please say yes here, for my sanity).
Thanks.
Thursday, July 16, 2009
I FOUND GOLD!
(or my favorite nail polish... just as good).
A while back I posted about trying to find this nail polish color that I just ADORED. I was wandering around the Hollywood Fred Meyer (over by Broadway and 3oth) when I decided to get some new summer colors for my toes.
I was just browsing when it caught my eye... a full sized bottle of the color that I've been out of and hoping to find for YEARS! You see, there are many red polishes in this world but only a few of them are brilliant and perfect and this one, my friends, is just that.
It has shimmery glitter it in, but not big chunky gawdy pieces of glitter like middle-school girls wear. And it is the truest red I've ever seen. I had a trial sized one, but once it was gone I could never find it in store- full sized or trial sized. If I had to name it I would have called it "Ruby Red Slippers", but that's just me.
The real name is "Red Carpet". I guess that's ok.
I'll post a picture of my million dollar nail polish find so you know what to look for if you want to try this red.
A while back I posted about trying to find this nail polish color that I just ADORED. I was wandering around the Hollywood Fred Meyer (over by Broadway and 3oth) when I decided to get some new summer colors for my toes.
I was just browsing when it caught my eye... a full sized bottle of the color that I've been out of and hoping to find for YEARS! You see, there are many red polishes in this world but only a few of them are brilliant and perfect and this one, my friends, is just that.
It has shimmery glitter it in, but not big chunky gawdy pieces of glitter like middle-school girls wear. And it is the truest red I've ever seen. I had a trial sized one, but once it was gone I could never find it in store- full sized or trial sized. If I had to name it I would have called it "Ruby Red Slippers", but that's just me.
The real name is "Red Carpet". I guess that's ok.
I'll post a picture of my million dollar nail polish find so you know what to look for if you want to try this red.
Wednesday, July 15, 2009
Creative Meals for Adventuring
Ok, so I guess there are all kinds of food options for backpacking... of which I've only sampled the freeze dried options and haven't found anything spectacular. As I mentioned before, I'm going to try to find some alternatives that are easy to prepare, keep well, don't take up a ton of space and are somewhat light to carry... oh yeah, and taste good.
I did some meditation on the subject today and here is what I came up with:
1. Cous cous- I have boxes of it at home and all you do is add boiling water. Easy enough. So I'm just going to transfer it from the box into small sealed 1-portion bags so all I have to do is boil the water.
2. Dried cheese tortelloni. I found a great kind at New Seasons. Same as above, all I need is boiling water... so I'll package into portions and away I go.
3. Oatmeal. I LOVE oatmeal. Plus, instant oatmeal is already packaged, just add water.
4. Fruit Leather (for snacks).
5. Lipton Soup packets- because they are prepackaged. Just add water. Notice a theme here?
6. Lara Bars. I really like that they use all natural ingredients and have yummy flavors like dark chocolate coconut.
7. INDIVIDUAL SIZE CANS OF BAKED BEANS. Holy Cow was I ever excited to run across these babies. Just heat and eat... plus they are the small cans, so I can eat the whole thing in one sitting and not have leftovers to worry about disposing of.
8. Trail mix. Duh.
9. Peanut and Almond M&M's. MMMM.
10. Pita Bread. I could just eat that stuff plain every day. Or with soup. Or with peanutbutter and honey.
11. Individual sized packets of peanut and almond butter.
Ok... so I'm still brainstorming. I also plan on stopping along the way to where ever we end up hiking and eating a fabulously huge pancake breakfast before heading out... and then ending the hike by stopping and eating tons of hot pizza on the way home.
Any good camp food ideas? Remember, I have to carry stuff so I don't want it to be heavy. Also can't be refrigerated.
I did some meditation on the subject today and here is what I came up with:
1. Cous cous- I have boxes of it at home and all you do is add boiling water. Easy enough. So I'm just going to transfer it from the box into small sealed 1-portion bags so all I have to do is boil the water.
2. Dried cheese tortelloni. I found a great kind at New Seasons. Same as above, all I need is boiling water... so I'll package into portions and away I go.
3. Oatmeal. I LOVE oatmeal. Plus, instant oatmeal is already packaged, just add water.
4. Fruit Leather (for snacks).
5. Lipton Soup packets- because they are prepackaged. Just add water. Notice a theme here?
6. Lara Bars. I really like that they use all natural ingredients and have yummy flavors like dark chocolate coconut.
7. INDIVIDUAL SIZE CANS OF BAKED BEANS. Holy Cow was I ever excited to run across these babies. Just heat and eat... plus they are the small cans, so I can eat the whole thing in one sitting and not have leftovers to worry about disposing of.
8. Trail mix. Duh.
9. Peanut and Almond M&M's. MMMM.
10. Pita Bread. I could just eat that stuff plain every day. Or with soup. Or with peanutbutter and honey.
11. Individual sized packets of peanut and almond butter.
Ok... so I'm still brainstorming. I also plan on stopping along the way to where ever we end up hiking and eating a fabulously huge pancake breakfast before heading out... and then ending the hike by stopping and eating tons of hot pizza on the way home.
Any good camp food ideas? Remember, I have to carry stuff so I don't want it to be heavy. Also can't be refrigerated.
A Quick Vent
I'm really sick of driving... and it's not because I'm getting lazy. If you want to know the truth, I prefer driving myself over being driven. Long story.
The reason I get so frustrated on the road is that I feel a VAST MAJORITY of people driving SHOULD NOT HAVE LICENSES. Reasons why I feel this way? See below:
1. The other day Brian and I were driving to the Hillsboro Costco to pick up some pizzas to feed the masses. We were headed down the on-ramp for 26 westbound when this maniac comes zooming up behind us so we couldn't merge onto the highway. He got mad that we were exiting the ramp in front of him (because we were SUPPOSED to be in front since we got to that part of the ramp FAR before he did), which is why he sped up- so we wouldn't be in front.
I need to pause here and remind people that there is a left lane of traffic as well. If you don't like it when people from the on-ramp get in front of you, MOVE TO THE LEFT LANE. It's not even like we weren't going the speed of traffic, either.
Anyway, as soon as we were on the actual highway, the guy that had just kept us from merging smoothly SLAMS on his brakes to try to get us to rear-end him. WHAT???!!! Yes. He purposefully slammed on the brakes and looked at us in his rear-view mirror as if to say "F- You". We tried to ignore, so Brian pulled into the left lane to give the guy his space.
Oh, but wait. The guy sees that we moved over, so he slows down until his rear end is paralell with our front bumper and then proceeds to swerve forcefully into our lane. WTF. So Brian slows down even more so the guy wouldn't hit us with his car as he barges over into the left lane. Brian now moves back over to the right lane and we are trying to find a way to get out of this guys way... clearly slowing down and getting in a different lane is not helping. What does the guy do? He moves over in front of us in the right lane AGAIN. And SLAMS ON HIS BRAKES AGAIN. He looks in his rearvie mirror at us- but he's an older man with wispy balding gray hair and it is NOT intimidating.
I've had enough.
I pull my cell phone out of my purse and start dialing the Hillsboro Dispatch number because this crazy man needs to be pulled over for trying to use his vehicle as a tank. I call and report the whole situation to the dispatcher. The dispatcher could not believe what I was telling her. She says," Really? Okay, so he's intentionally TRYING to hit your car?".
We took our exit and was glad to not be on the same road as that man anymore.
2. I was driving to work the other morning and this little maroon Honda was a couple of cars ahead of me going 35 miles and hour ON THE HIGHWAY. Of course, I cannot move lanes because we are approaching the tunnel on 26 and I need to be in the left lane. Plus the cars to the right of us are going normal speed so we can't even get over if we wanted to. We are all stuck. People start beeping at the little Honda and trying to get the driver's attention to either speed up or pull over. She does nothing. We all continue to go 35, despite the folks around us doing 55.
If you can't go the speed limit, put your flashers on and don't drive on the highway if you can help it. For the love of all that's sane.
3. Young people in expensive new cars that their parents gave them. I have noticed that more often than not these are the kids that don't pay attention to traffic laws and just do what they want on the road. Case in point- 4 way stop on the backroads on the way home. I stopped. The two people to the right and left of me go because it is their turn. The car (new Land Rover with a teen boy driving) behind the car that just passed through the intersection to the right of me approaches the stop. Now it is my turn. The Land Rover does not stop even though the person in front of him just went. I pull out a little into the intersection but hesitate as I realize that the LR is not stopping. He doesn't even acknowledge that there's a stop sign or people waiting to go... he just goes. I beep my horn- because clearly he needs to be alerted that he could have hit me and caused a major issue.
4. People that go slow because they are looking for their turn. I understand you are looking for something and you don't want to miss it, but that does not mean you can go 25 mph on a 45mph road. Pull over if you must go that slow to let us pass. Or speed up and if you miss your turn, take the next one, turn around and come back to it because now you know where it is.
5. People that race through a parking lot. It is a PARKING LOT, not a racing lot. I hate going slow too, but there are pedestrians and children running about and cars trying to pull in or out of spots. Just be safe!
Ok, I'm done for now. My list is far longer, but I'll save it for the next time I give up on driving.
The reason I get so frustrated on the road is that I feel a VAST MAJORITY of people driving SHOULD NOT HAVE LICENSES. Reasons why I feel this way? See below:
1. The other day Brian and I were driving to the Hillsboro Costco to pick up some pizzas to feed the masses. We were headed down the on-ramp for 26 westbound when this maniac comes zooming up behind us so we couldn't merge onto the highway. He got mad that we were exiting the ramp in front of him (because we were SUPPOSED to be in front since we got to that part of the ramp FAR before he did), which is why he sped up- so we wouldn't be in front.
I need to pause here and remind people that there is a left lane of traffic as well. If you don't like it when people from the on-ramp get in front of you, MOVE TO THE LEFT LANE. It's not even like we weren't going the speed of traffic, either.
Anyway, as soon as we were on the actual highway, the guy that had just kept us from merging smoothly SLAMS on his brakes to try to get us to rear-end him. WHAT???!!! Yes. He purposefully slammed on the brakes and looked at us in his rear-view mirror as if to say "F- You". We tried to ignore, so Brian pulled into the left lane to give the guy his space.
Oh, but wait. The guy sees that we moved over, so he slows down until his rear end is paralell with our front bumper and then proceeds to swerve forcefully into our lane. WTF. So Brian slows down even more so the guy wouldn't hit us with his car as he barges over into the left lane. Brian now moves back over to the right lane and we are trying to find a way to get out of this guys way... clearly slowing down and getting in a different lane is not helping. What does the guy do? He moves over in front of us in the right lane AGAIN. And SLAMS ON HIS BRAKES AGAIN. He looks in his rearvie mirror at us- but he's an older man with wispy balding gray hair and it is NOT intimidating.
I've had enough.
I pull my cell phone out of my purse and start dialing the Hillsboro Dispatch number because this crazy man needs to be pulled over for trying to use his vehicle as a tank. I call and report the whole situation to the dispatcher. The dispatcher could not believe what I was telling her. She says," Really? Okay, so he's intentionally TRYING to hit your car?".
We took our exit and was glad to not be on the same road as that man anymore.
2. I was driving to work the other morning and this little maroon Honda was a couple of cars ahead of me going 35 miles and hour ON THE HIGHWAY. Of course, I cannot move lanes because we are approaching the tunnel on 26 and I need to be in the left lane. Plus the cars to the right of us are going normal speed so we can't even get over if we wanted to. We are all stuck. People start beeping at the little Honda and trying to get the driver's attention to either speed up or pull over. She does nothing. We all continue to go 35, despite the folks around us doing 55.
If you can't go the speed limit, put your flashers on and don't drive on the highway if you can help it. For the love of all that's sane.
3. Young people in expensive new cars that their parents gave them. I have noticed that more often than not these are the kids that don't pay attention to traffic laws and just do what they want on the road. Case in point- 4 way stop on the backroads on the way home. I stopped. The two people to the right and left of me go because it is their turn. The car (new Land Rover with a teen boy driving) behind the car that just passed through the intersection to the right of me approaches the stop. Now it is my turn. The Land Rover does not stop even though the person in front of him just went. I pull out a little into the intersection but hesitate as I realize that the LR is not stopping. He doesn't even acknowledge that there's a stop sign or people waiting to go... he just goes. I beep my horn- because clearly he needs to be alerted that he could have hit me and caused a major issue.
4. People that go slow because they are looking for their turn. I understand you are looking for something and you don't want to miss it, but that does not mean you can go 25 mph on a 45mph road. Pull over if you must go that slow to let us pass. Or speed up and if you miss your turn, take the next one, turn around and come back to it because now you know where it is.
5. People that race through a parking lot. It is a PARKING LOT, not a racing lot. I hate going slow too, but there are pedestrians and children running about and cars trying to pull in or out of spots. Just be safe!
Ok, I'm done for now. My list is far longer, but I'll save it for the next time I give up on driving.
Tuesday, July 14, 2009
An Update on My New Obsession
I got a pack. A really nice, but smaller Gregory pack. I love it. And assorted little back packing tools. I've now narrowed down what I need to get next in order to sucessfully pack my way to adventure...
1. Lightweight tent... I've picked out two models I like.
2. A water filtration system... compact but effective. I think I want a pump filter AND the SteriPen. Steripens are awesome because they kill EVERYTHING in your water without chemicals, but I also don't want floaty things so I want an actual filter. I'm also a major germaphobe, so two methods of filtration and cleansing is better than one- to me, anyway.
3. Convertible Pants- because I realized how heavy a pack can get with multiple pairs of pants/etc inside. One pair that zips off into shorts is a-ok with me.
4. some s-biners and caribiners for clipping my essentials around me. Small, but significant.
The thing is, I now have to wait to get these things because they are spendy. I've shopped around at different outdoor sports stores to compare, but really most places are generally in the same price range.
I've also decided that pre-packaging my own food might be best. I've tasted a few of the freeze-dried offerings found at local stores and nothing really appeals to me. I think I can come up with better options with a little creativity. Plus I don't want freezedried meat in my meals, thank you very much.
Oh yeah, and I got to use some of my goods this past weekend. A few of us went down to Cape Lookout near Tillamook. Pictures to come. It was fun, but a little foggy and a little damp.
1. Lightweight tent... I've picked out two models I like.
2. A water filtration system... compact but effective. I think I want a pump filter AND the SteriPen. Steripens are awesome because they kill EVERYTHING in your water without chemicals, but I also don't want floaty things so I want an actual filter. I'm also a major germaphobe, so two methods of filtration and cleansing is better than one- to me, anyway.
3. Convertible Pants- because I realized how heavy a pack can get with multiple pairs of pants/etc inside. One pair that zips off into shorts is a-ok with me.
4. some s-biners and caribiners for clipping my essentials around me. Small, but significant.
The thing is, I now have to wait to get these things because they are spendy. I've shopped around at different outdoor sports stores to compare, but really most places are generally in the same price range.
I've also decided that pre-packaging my own food might be best. I've tasted a few of the freeze-dried offerings found at local stores and nothing really appeals to me. I think I can come up with better options with a little creativity. Plus I don't want freezedried meat in my meals, thank you very much.
Oh yeah, and I got to use some of my goods this past weekend. A few of us went down to Cape Lookout near Tillamook. Pictures to come. It was fun, but a little foggy and a little damp.
Monday, July 6, 2009
My New Favorite Store
... just happens to be REI. Over the past week I've gone there 4 times (3 different locations). Each time I've purchased at least one item.
Now I'm totally stoked for camping and I'd really like to get into backpacking. I've never truly gone backpacking in the sense that you have to carry everything with you and hike into your campsite. I want to. My next big purchase will be a pack- any suggestions for a good one?
I've really enjoyed wandering around the store and discovering all the crazy lightweight tools/cookwear/supplies and the funny personal hygiene implements designed for camping and whatnot. They have portable showers that are solar powered.... so you can be out in the woods and still get a hot shower (a very short hot shower as the thing only holds a couple of liters). They also have colapsible toilets for use anywhere. ANYWHERE. That's right... you could be traipsing through the rainforest and know that digging a hole and going there is not for you so you can pull out our folded up toilet and go there instead.
None of the aforementioned hygiene items have I purchased. Just so we are clear.
What I have purchased this past week are the following:
1. GSI Bugaboo Backpacker cookwear set
2. Guyotdesigns utensils
3. GSI salt and pepper grinders (they are tiny and I love them)
4. pack towel (it is super lightweight and stuffs into a tiny little bag so it doesn't take up so much space).
5. SOS pack for emergency situations.
6. odorless bugspray (because who wants to stink like that stuff?)
7. hiking socks
8. silicone tops for my Sigg water bottles and spouts for my Nalgene bottles.
9. Telescoping camp forks for roasting things over the fire (like marshmallows)
10. GSI hae tea kettle
11. Storm Proof Matches
I'm also in the market for a lightweight backpacking tent. That would help, I guess. I already have a tent, but it's not lightweight and you couldn't pay me to lug that thing around. If I did I wouldn't be able to carry food with me or clothes to wear.
I cannot wait to get out and use my stuff! This weekend is the first of many in my camping/backpacking future.
Now I'm totally stoked for camping and I'd really like to get into backpacking. I've never truly gone backpacking in the sense that you have to carry everything with you and hike into your campsite. I want to. My next big purchase will be a pack- any suggestions for a good one?
I've really enjoyed wandering around the store and discovering all the crazy lightweight tools/cookwear/supplies and the funny personal hygiene implements designed for camping and whatnot. They have portable showers that are solar powered.... so you can be out in the woods and still get a hot shower (a very short hot shower as the thing only holds a couple of liters). They also have colapsible toilets for use anywhere. ANYWHERE. That's right... you could be traipsing through the rainforest and know that digging a hole and going there is not for you so you can pull out our folded up toilet and go there instead.
None of the aforementioned hygiene items have I purchased. Just so we are clear.
What I have purchased this past week are the following:
1. GSI Bugaboo Backpacker cookwear set
2. Guyotdesigns utensils
3. GSI salt and pepper grinders (they are tiny and I love them)
4. pack towel (it is super lightweight and stuffs into a tiny little bag so it doesn't take up so much space).
5. SOS pack for emergency situations.
6. odorless bugspray (because who wants to stink like that stuff?)
7. hiking socks
8. silicone tops for my Sigg water bottles and spouts for my Nalgene bottles.
9. Telescoping camp forks for roasting things over the fire (like marshmallows)
10. GSI hae tea kettle
11. Storm Proof Matches
I'm also in the market for a lightweight backpacking tent. That would help, I guess. I already have a tent, but it's not lightweight and you couldn't pay me to lug that thing around. If I did I wouldn't be able to carry food with me or clothes to wear.
I cannot wait to get out and use my stuff! This weekend is the first of many in my camping/backpacking future.
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