Can I Go Home Yet?

I'm sitting in my lovely office that smells like blueberries (because I brought them as a snack today and have yet to even eat one) and I'm clock-watching like the world's gonna end if I don't get out of here soon.

I also have this crazy adrenaline rush for no reason- which is something that my body does when it's trying to deal with stress... so up and down the adrenaline rollercoaster I go (and have been going for the past couple of days). This is not making sitting here any easier.

I'm thinking that I've already dealt with everything so why do I still feel like this? Because apparently I can intellectualize until the cows come home but it doesn't fool my body. Nothing fools my body. It knows the pain, the angst, the rage, the sadness, the embarassment that I tried to think away and it makes me live them and feel them all, sometimes one by one and sometimes simultaneously.

I'm lucky when I forget what I'm feeling for a little while, but mostly I'm just trying to hold myself upright until I can go home and watch funny movies to drown my thoughts out and hope that my friends don't feel caught in the middle (but also hoping that they all choose me if they have to choose).

Ten more minutes until I can go, and I'm not sure I can take it.

But I will. And I'll be back tomorrow to do the same thing.




Hopefully there will be far less roller-coaster and more understanding.